My best friend took my husband. I catfished her into ruining her own life. I’m Rachel. And three years ago, I almost died for 47 seconds in an emergency room in Portland, Oregon. The doctors told me later that my heart just stopped like someone flipped a switch. One moment, I was convulsing on the gurnie, foam coming out of my mouth, and the next I was just gone.

 They had to shock me twice to bring me back. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you how I got there. It was a Tuesday morning in March when I made myself the green smoothie that almost ended my life. I remember because Tuesdays were my favorite. My husband, Marcus, had early meetings, so I’d have the house to myself until noon.

 I’d make my smoothie, sit by the window, and work on my novel. The one I’d been writing for three years. The one nobody knew about except my best friend, Amber. God, even saying her name now makes my stomach turn. Amber had been my best friend since college. We met freshman year when she spilled coffee all over my laptop in the library.

 She was so apologetic, so genuine, offering to pay for repairs, buying me coffee for a week straight. We became inseparable. She was the maid of honor at my wedding. She was there when my mom passed away. She knew everything about me, everything. I trusted her with my life. Turns out that was a mistake. That Tuesday morning, I made my smoothie like always.

 Spinach, banana, protein powder, almond milk. The protein powder was new. Amber had brought it over the week before. said it was this amazing brand she’d discovered. Organic, life-changing, whatever. She knew I was trying to lose the weight I’d gained after my miscarriage 6 months earlier. The miscarriage. God, that had been the worst period of my life.

 Marcus and I had been trying for 2 years. When I finally got pregnant, I was so happy I cried for an hour straight. Then at 12 weeks, I lost the baby just like that. My body decided it wasn’t ready. Marcus was supportive. Amber was supportive. Everyone was so supportive, except I could see it in Marcus’ eyes. The disappointment, the way he’d look at me sometimes like I’d failed him.

 We stopped having sex as much. He started working late. I started eating my feelings and writing my novel and pretending everything was fine. The smoothie tasted weird that morning. Bitter. I almost threw it out, but I’d already measured everything. Already committed. Plus, I’d wasted so much food lately. Been so depressed.

 I’d let things rot in the fridge. I needed to be better, more disciplined. So, I drank it. All of it. I made it maybe 20 minutes before the cramps started. At first, I thought it was just my stomach being sensitive. I’d been having digestive issues since the miscarriage. But then the cramps got worse and worse. And suddenly, I was on the bathroom floor sweating, shaking, my vision going dark at the edges.

 I managed to call 911 before I passed out. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital 2 days later. Marcus was there. Amber was there. Both of them looking worried and sad and scared. The doctors said I’d ingested a massive amount of brutakum, rat poison, the kind that causes internal bleeding, organ failure. Someone had mixed it into something I’d eaten or drunk.

 They had pumped my stomach, given me massive doses of vitamin K, kept me sedated while my body tried to recover. I’d almost died. Someone had tried to kill me. The police came. They asked questions. They searched our house. They found the protein powder container Amber had given me still in my pantry. They tested it. Nothing. It was clean.

 They questioned Marcus. They questioned Amber. They questioned my neighbors, my co-workers, everyone I knew. They found nothing. No evidence. No suspects. They classified it as an attempted murder, but the case went cold within weeks. Everyone told me it was probably some random psycho. Someone who’d tampered with products at the store. A one ina- million tragedy.

But I knew I knew it wasn’t random. Someone close to me had done this. Someone who had access to my house, my food, my life, someone who wanted me dead. The problem was I didn’t know who, and I couldn’t prove anything. So, I went home. I recovered. I went to therapy. I took the anti-depressants my doctor prescribed.

 I tried to move on with my life, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Marcus became even more distant after the poisoning. He said he was traumatized by almost losing me. Needed space to process. He started going to the gym more, working even later. When he was home, he was on his phone constantly. Amber, on the other hand, became more present.

 She’d come over almost every day, bringing food, keeping me company, being the perfect best friend. She’d hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be okay, that we’d find whoever did this, that she’d always protect me. It was 5 months after the poisoning when I found Marcus’ second phone. I wasn’t snooping.

 I swear I wasn’t. I was doing laundry and it fell out of his gym bag. A cheap Android phone, the kind you can buy at any convenience store, the kind people use when they don’t want to be traced. My hands were shaking when I turned it on. No password. And there they were. Hundreds of messages, photos, videos, all between Marcus and Amber.

 The affair had been going on for over a year since before my miscarriage. Maybe even maybe the stress of Marcus cheating had caused the miscarriage. That thought made me physically ill. But it got worse. I found messages from the week before I was poisoned. Marcus complaining about me about how depressed I’d become.

 How he couldn’t leave because of my mental state. It would look bad. How he wished there was a way out. And then Amber’s response, “What if there was?” I sat on my bathroom floor for 3 hours reading through everything. The messages, the plans, the discussions about my life insurance policy. $250,000. Not a fortune, but enough.

 Enough to start over. They’d been careful. In the actual messages about the poison, they used vague language. The solution? Taking care of the problem. Nothing directly incriminating, but the implication was clear as day. Amber had put the rat poison in the protein powder. Then she’d replaced it with a clean container before the police could find it.

 She’d almost killed me. And Marcus had known about it. Maybe even helped plan it. The two people I loved most in the world had tried to murder me. I should have gone to the police right then, shown them the phone, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough. The messages were vague. A good lawyer would tear it apart.

 And Marcus and Amber would know I found out. They’d be more careful. Maybe they’d try again. Do it right this time. No, I needed to be smarter. I needed to destroy them the way they tried to destroy me. So, I copied everything from the phone. Every message, every photo, every video. I put it all on a USB drive and hid it in my mom’s old jewelry box.

 Then, I put the phone back in Marcus’ gym bag exactly where I’d found it. And I started planning. The first thing I did was see a lawyer without telling Marcus. I wanted to understand my options for divorce. Turns out in Oregon, adultery doesn’t matter much for divorce settlements. It’s a no fault state. But attempted murder, that was different.

 If I could prove Marcus was involved in trying to kill me, I could get everything. The house, the savings, his 401k, everything. But I needed more evidence. The second thing I did was start working out. I lost the weight I’d gained. I started dressing better, doing my hair and makeup. Not for Marcus, for me. Because I needed to feel strong.

 I needed to feel like myself again. Marcus noticed. He started paying attention to me again, being affectionate. I played along, let him think his wife was healing, moving on, becoming herself again. Meanwhile, I watched them. I installed spywear on Marcus’ real phone while he was in the shower. I hacked Amber’s email.

 I was careful, methodical. I documented everything. And that’s when I found out about Amber’s career. Amber was a pharmaceutical sales rep. She made good money, had been with her company for 8 years, was up for a major promotion to regional director. It was everything she’d been working toward. She’d told me about it a thousand times, how this promotion would change her life.

 She’d also been stealing, not money, drugs. I found emails about sample medications going missing, her manager questioning her about inventory discrepancies. Amber was taking prescription drugs from her company and selling them online. Nothing major. Some anxiety meds here. Some sleep aids there. Enough to make a few thousand extra a month.

 The company didn’t have proof yet, but they were investigating. This was perfect. I spent two months gathering evidence, screenshots, recordings, documents. I built a file that would bury Amber professionally, but I wanted more than that. I wanted her to feel what I felt. the betrayal, the confusion, the violation of having someone you trust completely destroy you from the inside.

So I catfished her. I created a fake profile on a dating app. Used photos of a male model I found on Instagram. Called him Ryan Mitchell. Made him perfect. Successful entrepreneur. Recently divorced. Looking for something real. I made Ryan swipe on Amber. It took her 3 days to match with him. Within a week, they were talking every day.

 Within 2 weeks, she was calling him baby. Within a month, she was in love. I knew Amber. Knew how she thought. Knew what she wanted. A guy who was successful but vulnerable. Someone who needed her. Someone who made her feel special. Ryan was all of that. I spent hours crafting his messages, making them perfect, vulnerable enough to be real, charming enough to be irresistible.

 

 

 

 

 

 I learned things about Amber I’d never known, her insecurities, her dreams, the way she saw herself. She told Ryan things she’d never told me, about how she’d always been jealous of my relationship with Marcus. How she’d felt like second choice her whole life. How taking Marcus from me made her feel powerful for the first time.

 She said she didn’t regret it. She said I’d been too weak to keep him anyway. She said the rat poison was supposed to look like I’d done it to myself, that I’d been so depressed after the miscarriage that I’d taken the easy way out. Insurance still would have paid. Marcus would have gotten the money and nobody would have questioned it.

 She said it wasn’t personal. Reading those messages made me want to throw up, but I saved every single one. After three months of the online relationship, Ryan suggested they meet in person. He’d be in Portland for business. Dinner at a nice restaurant downtown. Amber was so excited. She bought a new dress, got her hair done, told Marcus she was having a girls night.

 Marcus, by the way, had no idea about Ryan. Amber had been cheating on him while they were cheating on me. The irony was almost funny. I didn’t show up as Ryan, obviously. I sent Amber a message an hour before the date. Ryan saying he was so sorry. His ex-wife had shown up with an emergency. He had to cancel. He felt terrible. Amber was devastated.

 She went to the restaurant anyway, sat at the bar, drank three martinis, and cried. I know because I was there, not as myself. I wore a wig, glasses, different clothes, sat at the other end of the bar, watched her fall apart. It felt good. But I wasn’t done. Over the next month, Ryan became more distant. He was stressed about work.

 His ex-wife was causing problems. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship. All the classic signs of a guy losing interest. Amber panicked. She sent him paragraphs about how much she cared, how she’d do anything, how she needed him. Ryan started asking for things. Nothing major at first.

 Could she help him understand some medications? He had a friend with anxiety. What would she recommend? What about sleep issues? Amber, desperate to be useful, to keep Ryan interested, started telling him everything about the drugs she had access to, about how she could get whatever he needed. Ryan said his friend would pay well. Amber said she’d help.

And just like that, I had her on record offering to illegally sell prescription medications to a stranger on the internet. I took all of it. Every message, every screenshot, every piece of evidence of her stealing from her company and offering to sell drugs. I compiled it into a detailed report. Then I sent it to her company’s HR department and their compliance team from an anonymous email with a subject line that said, “Urtent employee Amber Chen, theft and illegal sale of controlled substances.” That was 3 weeks ago. Amber

was fired within 48 hours. The company launched an investigation. They found everything. Years of missing inventory, all tied to her. She’s facing criminal charges now. Felony theft, illegal distribution of prescription drugs. Her lawyer says she’s looking at 3 to 5 years in prison. Her whole life imploded in less than a week.

 And Marcus, he didn’t even stand by her. The second Amber’s life fell apart, he ghosted her, stopped answering her calls, told her they needed to take a break while she dealt with her legal issues. Turns out Marcus only wanted Amber when she was successful and could help him get rid of me.

 Now that she was facing prison and couldn’t benefit him, she was worthless to him. She called me 2 days ago. I almost didn’t answer. The curiosity got the better of me. She was crying, sobbing so hard she could barely speak. She said she’d lost everything. Her job, her savings, paying for lawyers, her apartment because she couldn’t make rent.

 She said she’d made mistakes, but she didn’t deserve this. She said Marcus had abandoned her and she had nobody. She said I was her best friend, the only person she had left. She said she needed help, money for her legal fees, a place to stay, someone to testify to her character in court. She needed me to save her. I let her talk for 15 minutes.

Let her beg. Let her cry. Let her explain how scared she was, how alone she felt, how the walls were closing in. Then I said very calmly, “I know what you did.” The line went silent. “I know about you and Marcus. I know you poisoned me. I know everything. She tried to deny it. Of course she did. Said I was crazy, paranoid, that the poisoning had messed with my head.

 So I told her about the second phone, about the messages about Ryan. Ryan doesn’t exist, Amber. I created him. Every message you sent, every secret you told him, every confession about what you did to me. That was me. I was Ryan. I catfished you. And then I destroyed your career with the evidence you gave me yourself.

 I’ve never heard someone break down the way Amber did. It wasn’t crying. It was this anim animalistic sound like her soul was tearing in half. Why? She kept asking. Why would you do this? You tried to kill me, I said. You slept with my husband. You stole a year of my life. You made me feel crazy and paranoid and weak.

 This This is nothing compared to what you did to me. She started screaming then, calling me horrible names, saying I was a monster. Saying she’d tell everyone what I did. Go ahead, I said. Tell them how you got catfished into confessing to attempted murder and drug dealing. I’m sure that’ll go great for you in court. She hung up. I haven’t heard from her since.

As for Marcus, I filed for divorce last week. I gave my lawyer everything. The messages, the photos, the evidence of the affair, and the poisoning conspiracy. Marcus’ lawyer called yesterday trying to negotiate. Apparently, Marcus is willing to give me everything if I agree not to pursue criminal charges. I’m thinking about it.

Part of me wants to see him in prison, but part of me just wants him gone, out of my life. I want to take everything he has and move on. My therapist says I need to find closure, that revenge won’t heal me, that I need to forgive and let go. But here’s the thing. I’m not looking for closure.

 I’m not looking for healing. I spent 6 months thinking I was crazy, thinking I was paranoid, wondering which of my friends or family had tried to kill me, jumping at shadows, terrified to eat anything I didn’t prepare myself, having nightmares about drowning in my own blood. They did that to me. They made me live in fear while they planned their future together with my life insurance money.

 So, no, I don’t feel guilty about what I did to Amber. She destroyed herself. I just gave her the rope. and Marcus, he’ll get what he deserves, too. One way or another, I’m selling the house, taking the money from the divorce, moving somewhere new, maybe Seattle, maybe Denver, somewhere I can start over, I’m going to finish my novel, the one I was writing when they tried to kill me.

 It’s about betrayal and revenge and a woman who refuses to be a victim. I think it’ll be a bestseller. Yesterday, I got a message from an unknown number. Please, Rachel, I’m begging you. They’re going to send me to prison. I’ll do anything. Just help me. Please, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Amber. She must have gotten a new phone after I blocked her old number.

 I stared at that message for a long time. Part of me wanted to respond to tell her that sorry isn’t enough. That sorry doesn’t undo what she did. That sorry doesn’t give me back the year of my life I lost or the security I’ll never feel again. But I didn’t respond because the truth is Amber doesn’t want me to forgive her. She wants me to save her.

 And those are two very different things. Forgiveness is for people who are genuinely remorseful who take responsibility for their actions who do the work to change. Amber just wants to escape consequences and I’m done helping people who don’t deserve it. So I blocked the new number, deleted the message, and went back to my normal day.

 This morning I got a call from Marcus. We need to talk, he said. His voice was different. Strained. Scared. About what? I asked. Amber’s threatening to tell the police everything if you don’t help her. She says she has nothing to lose now. She’ll take us both down. Us? I laughed. There is no us, Marcus. There’s you and your mistress who tried to murder me.

 I’m the victim here. Remember Rachel, please think about what you’re doing. If Amber goes to the police, they’ll investigate everything. They’ll find out about the catfishing, about how you manipulated her. They could charge you with something. Fraud, maybe, or extortion. I didn’t extort anyone. I created a fake dating profile and she voluntarily confessed to crimes.

 That’s not illegal, Marcus. You know what is illegal? Conspiracy to commit murder. He was quiet for a moment. What do you want? He finally asked. I want you to sign the divorce papers. Give me everything. The house, the savings, your 401k, all of it. And I want you to admit on record that you knew Amber poisoned me. I can’t do that. I’d go to prison.

 Then I guess we’re at an impass. Rachel, you have until Friday to decide Marcus. Sign the papers and give me everything or I go to the police with all the evidence I have. Your choice. I hung up before he could respond. The thing is, I don’t actually know if I want Marcus in prison. Yes, he deserves it.

 Yes, he’s a terrible person who conspired to murder his wife for insurance money. But prison also costs taxpayers money. Keeps the system clogged. Takes resources from other cases. What I really want is for Marcus to suffer the way I suffered. To lose everything, to feel powerless and afraid and betrayed. And I think I can make that happen without involving the criminal justice system.

 See, I’ve been doing more research. Marcus works in finance. He’s a wealth management adviser at a big firm downtown. The kind of firm that cares very deeply about reputation and trustworthiness. I’ve been thinking about what would happen if his clients found out he tried to murder his wife for insurance. Money.

 I’ve been thinking about anonymous emails, blog posts, social media campaigns. I’ve been thinking about how hard it would be for Marcus to find work in Portland after everyone knows what he did. My therapist would probably say this is unhealthy, that I’m becoming obsessed. That revenge is consuming me and preventing me from moving on.

 But here’s what my therapist doesn’t understand. I already died once. For 47 seconds in that emergency room, I was gone. And in that space between living and dying, something in me changed. I came back different, harder. I came back knowing that life is short and people are terrible. And if you don’t fight for yourself, nobody else will. So that’s what I’m doing.

Fighting. It’s been 3 days since I gave Marcus the ultimatum. He hasn’t called, hasn’t signed the papers, hasn’t responded to his lawyer. I think he’s hoping I’ll blink first, that I’ll get scared or guilty or tired and just take a regular divorce settlement and move on. He doesn’t understand that I have nothing to lose.

 I already lost everything that mattered. my husband, my best friend, my sense of safety, my ability to trust anyone. You can’t threaten someone who’s already been to the bottom. This morning, I went to visit Amber. Not in person. God, no. But I drove past her apartment, the one she got evicted from. There was a moving truck outside, people carrying boxes, her whole life being packed away.

 I wondered where she was going. If she had family who’d take her in, if Marcus would swoop in at the last minute and save her, then I remembered that Marcus only cares about Marcus. And I felt nothing. No satisfaction. No guilt, no anger, just nothing. Maybe that’s the scariest part of all this. I used to be someone who felt things deeply, who cried at movies and worried about hurting people’s feelings and wanted everyone to like me.

 Now I look at the wreckage of Amber’s life and feel nothing. My phone rang while I was sitting in my car watching the movers. Unknown number again. Against my better judgment, I answered. Rachel, it was Amber’s voice, but barely. Hollow. Broken. My sentencing hearing is next week. They’re recommending 4 years. 4 years in prison. Rachel, please.

 I know I don’t deserve your help. I know what I did was unforgivable, but I’m begging you. If you testify that I had mental health issues, that I was having a breakdown, it might reduce my sentence. Please. I can’t survive 4 years in prison. You tried to kill me, I said quietly. Did you think I could survive rat poisoning? Did you care? I was different then. Marcus manipulated me.

He made me think, don’t. My voice came out sharp. Don’t you dare blame Marcus for your choices. You’re a grown woman. You decided to sleep with my husband. You decided to put poison in my protein powder. You made those choices. Own them. I am. I am owning them. That’s why I’m asking for mercy. Mercy.

 I almost laughed. Where was my mercy? Where was your mercy when I was convulsing on my bathroom floor? When my heart stopped beating. When I woke up in the hospital wondering who hated me enough to try to murder me. She was crying now. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Sorry doesn’t mean anything, Amber. Sorry is just a word people say when they want something.

 What can I do? Tell me what to do to make this right. There is nothing you can do. You can’t unpoison me. You can’t give me back the year of paranoia and fear. You can’t make me trust people again. There is no making this right. I hung up. My hands were shaking. I realized I was crying. Not for Amber. For myself. For the person I used to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The person who believed in second chances and forgiveness and the basic goodness of people. That person is dead. Amber killed her. That night, Marcus showed up at my door. I watched him through the peepphole. He looked terrible. Unshaven, wrinkled suit, hair messy. I’d never seen Marcus look anything less than perfectly put together.

 I know you’re in there, Rachel. Please let me in. We need to talk. I opened the door but left the chain on. You have 2 minutes. I’ll sign the papers. You can have everything. The house, the money, all of it. Just please don’t go to the police. Why should I believe you? You’ve lied to me for over a year because I’m desperate.

 His voice cracked. Rachel, I made a mistake. A huge mistake. But I don’t want to go to prison. Please. Did you know Amber was going to poison me? Did you help her plan it? He looked at his shoes. That was answer enough. Get off my property, Marcus. Wait. Please. I’ll do anything. Anything except take responsibility for your actions.

 Anything except actually face consequences. You want me to save you just like Amber does. But here’s the thing, Marcus. I don’t save people who tried to kill me. I didn’t try to kill you. That was Amber. You knew about it. You encouraged it. You talked about my life insurance and how to make it look like I did it to myself.

 I have the messages, Marcus. All of them. His face went white. How? Your burner phone. The one you thought was so clever. I found it. Copied everything. Put it back. You never even knew. He leaned against the door frame like his legs might give out. You’ve had evidence this whole time since 2 months after you tried to kill me. I’ve been gathering more ever since.

Then why didn’t you go to the police? I smiled. It wasn’t a nice smile because I wanted to destroy you my way. The police would have been too quick, too clean. I wanted you to lose everything slowly. I wanted you to watch your life fall apart piece by piece. And I wanted you to know that I did it.

 Marcus stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Who are you? I’m the woman who survived you and your mistress trying to murder her. I’m the woman you underestimated. I’m the woman who’s going to make sure you never hurt anyone else. You’re crazy. No, Marcus. I’m awake for the first time in my life. I’m actually awake.

 I closed the door in his face. He pounded on it for 5 minutes before finally leaving. I sat on my couch in the dark, listening to him drive away, and I felt alive. For months after the poisoning, I’d felt like a ghost, like I was watching my life happen from outside my body, like nothing was real.

 But this this felt real. Tomorrow, I’m going to the police. I’m giving them everything I have. The messages, the evidence, all of it. Marcus and Amber are going to prison. My therapist will probably say I should have done this months ago. That I took things too far with the catfishing and the revenge. But my therapist didn’t almost die on her bathroom floor.

 My therapist doesn’t wake up every morning and have to re-remember that her husband and best friend tried to kill her. My therapist doesn’t know what it’s like to have your trust in humanity shattered so completely that you can’t even eat at restaurants anymore because you’re terrified someone will poison your food.

So my therapist doesn’t get to judge me. Nobody does. I did what I had to do to survive. And if that makes me a bad person, then I guess I’m a bad person. I’d rather be a bad person who’s alive than a good person who’s dead. The police detective I met with was a woman named Jennifer Lou.

 She was in her 50s, stern-faced with short gray hair and tired eyes that had seen too much. I gave her the USB drive with all the messages from Marcus’ burner phone. Gave her the evidence of Amber’s confession about the poisoning that she’d made to Ryan. I gave her everything. She listened to my whole story. Didn’t interrupt once.

 Just took notes and watched me with those tired eyes. When I finished, she was quiet for a long moment. You understand that catfishing someone could potentially be considered fraud in some circumstances? I created a dating profile. She voluntarily confessed to crimes. I didn’t threaten her or coers her. You manipulated her. She tried to murder me.

 Detective Leu nodded slowly. Fair point. Are you going to arrest me for what? Being smarter than the people who tried to kill you? She almost smiled. No, Miss Carter. I’m going to arrest your husband and your former friend for attempted murder and conspiracy. When? They’ll both be in custody by end of day tomorrow.

 Thank you. Don’t thank me yet. This is going to be a long, ugly process. You’ll have to testify. Relive everything. They’ll try to paint you as vindictive, manipulative, maybe even make you look like the bad guy. Let them try. Detective Lou did smile then. I like you, Miss Carter. Most victims in your situation just want to curl up and hide.

You want blood? They tried to kill me. Why shouldn’t I want blood? No reason at all. Just be prepared. This is going to get messy. She was right. Marcus and Amber were arrested the next day. It made the local news. Local wealth manager and pharmaceutical rep arrested in attempted murder plot. The story exploded online, Reddit threads, Twitter conversations, Tik Tok videos.

 Everyone had an opinion. Some people thought I was a hero, a survivor who fought back. Others thought I was a villain, that I’d gone too far with the catfishing and revenge. I didn’t care either way. The trial took eight months to get to court. Eight months of depositions and lawyers and evidence review and endless endless waiting.

 Marcus’ lawyer tried to argue that I’d entrapped Amber, that the catfishing constituted illegal manipulation, and her confession should be thrown out. The judge disagreed. said that while my methods were morally questionable, they weren’t illegal. Amber’s lawyer tried to argue that she’d been suffering from severe mental health issues.

 That Marcus had manipulated and controlled her, that she wasn’t in her right mind. The prosecutor tore that argument apart, showed the jury messages where Amber had bragged about taking Marcus from me, where she’d called me weak and pathetic, where she’d said she didn’t regret what she’d done. The jury deliberated for 6 hours. Marcus was found guilty of conspiracy to commit murder, sentenced to 12 years in prison.

Amber was found guilty of attempted murder, sentenced to 15 years. I was in the courtroom when the verdicts were read. watched both of their faces as they realized their lives were over. Marcus looked shocked like he’d actually believed he’d get away with it. Amber just looked empty, like there was nothing left inside her.

 I felt nothing watching them led away in handcuffs. I thought I’d feel vindicated, satisfied, like justice had been served. But mostly, I just felt tired. Thumb media circus continued for a few more weeks. I gave one interview to a local newspaper, said all the right things about healing and moving forward and trusting the justice system.

 I didn’t tell them that I still check my food obsessively before eating, that I can’t drink anything I haven’t prepared myself, that I wake up at 3:00 a.m. sometimes in a panic, convinced someone is in my house trying to poison me again. I didn’t tell them that revenge didn’t heal anything. It just gave me something to focus on instead of falling apart.

 I didn’t tell them that I still have nightmares about dying on that bathroom floor. The divorce was finalized 3 months after the trial. I got everything. The house, the savings, Marcus’ 401k, even his car. I sold it all. The house had too many memories. The money felt tainted. I donated half of it to organizations that help survivors of domestic violence and attempted murder.

 Kept the rest for myself. Moved to Seattle like I’d planned. Got a small apartment with a view of the water. Started over. It’s been a year now since the trial. 2 years since I went to the police. 3 years since the poisoning. I finished my novel. It’s with an agent now. She thinks she can sell it. I have a new therapist in Seattle.

 She’s better than the old one. Doesn’t push forgiveness. Understands that trauma doesn’t heal on a timeline. I’m dating someone new. His name is Cameron. He’s kind and patient and has no idea who I am or what happened to me. I’ll tell him eventually when I’m ready. Most days I’m okay. I go to work at the bookstore I manage.

 I come home and write. I text with my sister. I live my life, but some days I’m not okay. Some days I look at the people around me and wonder which ones are secretly monsters. Wonder who’s plotting against whom. Wonder if anyone is ever really safe. Those are the hard days. Last week I got a letter from Amber. My lawyer forwarded it.

 Said I didn’t have to read it if I didn’t want to. I almost threw it away. almost, but curiosity got the better of me. The letter was seven pages long, handwritten. Her handwriting was shaky, not like I remembered. She said she was sorry again. Said prison had given her time to think, to understand what she’d done, to see how wrong she’d been.

 She said she’d been jealous of me her whole life, that I’d had things she wanted, the happy marriage, the nice house, the creative career, that taking Marcus from me had made her feel powerful for the first time. She said the poisoning was Marcus’ idea, that he’d convinced her it was the only way they could be together, that he’d told her I’d never agree to a divorce, that my life insurance was their only option for a real future together.

 She said she’d been weak and stupid and desperate to be loved. She said she understood if I never forgave her, that she didn’t deserve forgiveness. But she wanted me to know that she thought about me every day, about what she’d done, about the person she’d been. She said prison was changing her, that she was getting therapy, taking classes, trying to become someone better.

 She said she hoped I was happy, that I’d found peace, that I was living the life I deserved. She said she’d spend the rest of her life trying to atone for what she’d done to me. The letter ended with, “You were the best friend I ever had. I destroyed that. I destroyed you. I destroyed myself. I’m sorry it doesn’t cover it, but I’m sorry anyway.

 I hope someday you can think of me without hatred.” That’s all I can hope for now. I read that letter three times. Then I put it in a drawer and haven’t looked at it since. I don’t know if I believe her. I don’t know if people really change or if Amber is just saying what she thinks I want to hear. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive her, if forgiveness is even something I’m capable of anymore.

 What I do know is that I survived. Marcus and Amber tried to kill me and I survived. I didn’t just survive. I fought back. I took control. I made them face consequences for what they’d done. Some people say that makes me as bad as them. That revenge is never the answer. That I should have taken the high road.

 But those people weren’t poisoned by their best friend and husband. Those people didn’t die for 47 seconds on an emergency room gurnie. Those people don’t know what it’s like to have to rebuild your entire life from scratch because the people you loved most in the world tried to take it from you so they don’t get to judge me.

 I did what I had to do and I do it again. Sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep. I think about that Tuesday morning 3 years ago making my smoothie, sitting by the window, working on my novel. So naive, so trusting, so completely unaware that I was drinking poison. I think about the woman I was then soft, kind, believing the best in people. That woman is gone.

 She died on that bathroom floor and something harder, sharper, more dangerous was born in her place. I miss her sometimes. The woman I used to be. the woman who could trust and love and believe in happy endings. But I don’t miss her enough to want her back because that woman almost got me killed.

 This new version of me, she survives and in the end, that’s all that matters, survival. Everything else is just details. Last night, I had a dream. I was back in the emergency room looking down at my body on the gurnie. The doctors were shocking me, trying to bring me back. But in the dream, I wasn’t scared.

 I was deciding, deciding if I wanted to come back, if the world was worth coming back to. In the dream, I saw two paths. One where I stayed dead, where Marcus and Amber got away with it, where I became just another tragedy, another cautionary tale, and one where I came back. Where I fought, where I made them pay. In the dream, I chose to come back.

 I chose revenge over peace. I chose survival over forgiveness. I chose to be hard instead of kind. I woke up and I wasn’t sure if I’d made the right choice, but it’s the choice I made, and I have to live with it. We all have to live with our choices. Marcus is living with his in a prison cell in Eastern Oregon. Amber is living with hers in a women’s correctional facility downstate.

 And I’m living with mine in a small apartment in Seattle, writing this story, trying to make sense of what happened, trying to understand who I am now, trying to figure out if the woman who fought back was a hero or a villain, trying to decide if it even matters. Because at the end of the day, I’m still here, still breathing, still living.

 And Marcus and Amber aren’t. Not really. They’re ghosts now. Shadows of who they used to be, just like I am. Maybe we’re all ghosts. All shadows. All just fragments of who we thought we’d be. Maybe that’s what betrayal does. It kills who you were and forces you to become someone new, someone harder, someone sharper, someone who survives.

And maybe that’s enough. Maybe survival is enough. Maybe I don’t need to be the hero or the villain. Maybe I just need to be the woman who survived, the woman who fought back, the woman who refused to let them win. That’s who I am now. And maybe someday I’ll be okay with that. But not today. Today.

 I’m still figuring it out. Still putting together the pieces. Still trying to build a life from the wreckage of the old one. It’s not easy. Some days it feels impossible, but I’m doing it one day at a time. One breath at a time. One story at a time. And maybe that’s all anyone can do. Survive and try to figure out what comes next. That’s all, folks.