Fiance came home drunk and told me I needed to leave because she deserved better. So, when I took my wedding savings out of our joint account, she started harassing my family and slapped my sister when we came to get my stuff. I’m not sure if this is the right place for this. Please forgive the long post. My 28M fiance, 28F, has always been very controlling.
She gets upset when I don’t do things exactly right and often contradicts herself. She wants me to go out and be more social, but will call and yell at me when I do. She wants me off my phone, but sits there on hers. She wants me to go to the gym, but complains when I’m there too long. Honestly, I’ve been pretty love struck, so I didn’t really pick up on these things until everything fell apart.
She has a bit of a drinking problem. Not that she drinks constantly, but when she does, she doesn’t know her limit. with wedding planning and my busy work schedule to pay for the wedding. She tends to go out on weekends with her girlfriend since I’m home late anyway and she enjoys it, so she deserves to unwind after a busy week.
We typically do lunches and overnight trips when my schedule will allow it. And when I’m off in the evenings, we make dinner together to connect. She’s nitpicked before, but I kind of wrote it off as her personality and always adjusted. X. She didn’t want me running the washer/dryer so much, so I went from twice to once a week.
I work two jobs and one is construction, so my clothes get dirty fast. She thought I had too much clothes, even though we each have the same storage space, so I donated the clothes she didn’t like. She didn’t like when I cooked late coming home from my second job, event staff, so I would pick something up on the way home. I felt like this was regular couple stuff.
All in all, she’s been excited about the wedding and our new apartment, so I thought everything was good. Long story short, a few weeks ago she came home hammered, which is nothing new, but she got outright mean. I wrote it off as just being drunk. Sometimes she playfully teases me when she’s drinking, but when she sobered up, she was still really mean.
Her controlling attitude escalated until she was pretty much unbearable and she ended up telling me she deserved better and that she wanted to start over and I needed to leave. She started listing all these weird faults. I don’t get along with her friends who I have never met because they don’t live in our country.
I don’t make an effort with her family. I’m very close to her brother. We game often together and we have dinner with her parents once a month and that I’m too dependent on her. I do tend to put her first a lot, but I kind of thought that was normal. Then she basically told me to leave. I gave her some space and slept at my brothers a few nights asking how he thought I should fix this.
And it was then that he pointed out that she is kind of abusive, so maybe this was a good thing. I don’t know. She’s still the love of my life, and I can’t wrap my head around all this. After a few nights, I went back because I needed more clothes, but also because I wanted to see if we could talk things out.
She flat out refused and said her friends all agreed. My issue now is she is downright hostile. She is nice every so often when she wants something, but other than that, she is short, cold, often annoyed. She basically said, “We’re done, and she’s keeping the apartment, and I need to figure it out.” Then radio silence for a month outside of a few drunk I miss you texts while I couch hopped.
The last time I went over to grab clothes. She kissed me and basically said she wished things could be different and talked about the proposal and all the little things we’ve done together. So, I tried to talk it out again, but she got super angry and kicked me out again. Now, she is telling me I need to pay half the rent because I’m on the lease.
I spoke to the landlord about potentially removing me from the lease, but he said she has to agree and she’s refusing. She’s refusing to agree to sign the lease over to someone else. What can I even do here? My brother pointed out that since I’m on the lease, she can’t keep me from staying there, but the apartment is small.
Being practically on top of one another, I can’t see how it will work with her behavior. She’s refusing to even be civil. I asked her to reconsider finding a new tenant, and she basically says she doesn’t see why she should have to move just because I couldn’t change. My brother said I could make a case for abuse to get off the lease, but I don’t want to do that to her.
She can be mean, but she’s a nice person, and we’ve been together for 6 years. I just feel like that’s a step too far. My mother agrees. I honestly don’t think this is abuse. Is this abuse? They’re really pushing that I go forward with this, especially after my brother reads some texts, but I feel like if I end the tendency citing abuse, that’s dishonest and could further upset her.
Comments where op has replied comment one, she’s extremely controlling and seems abusive. I’d go about Ontario, but where I live, if two parties are on a lease, they’re both responsible. But if one person leaves, the other person is 100% responsible. Look up the laws where you live. You may be able to just leave and not be responsible.
Sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can heal from this quickly. Oop, she’s honestly a nice person. Everyone seems to love her, but I think I’m starting to see our relationship was imbalanced. I have tried looking it up, and it seems even if I leave, if my name is on the lease, I am on the hook.
The landlord agreed to hand the lease off to someone else, but she’s just flat out refusing, and I don’t get why. If she wants to start over, I’d think starting over in a new place would be what she wanted. It also says, “I can’t change the lease unless she agrees.” Comment too. At first, I thought that the purpose of your post was to get advice about whether to cancel the wedding engagement and break up, but it sounds like actually you’re just asking about how to handle the apartment lease.
I think she’s abusive. But even if I’m wrong, the bottom line is that regardless of whether her behavior fits the exact definition of abusive, she’s hostile and selfish and unstable and drunk. Hopefully, you’ve decided you’re not going to marry this train wreck. You don’t want to spend 50 years with this toxic person, right? As for the apartment lease, go consult an expert.
Go see a lawyer who knows about local rent laws. If you can’t afford that, in some cities, there are nonprofit tenant rights organizations that have lawyers who do pro bono consultations. Dup. I definitely will see about a lawyer. It was more to confirm if this is abuse because if it is, they may let me off the lease without her permission.
Comment three. She can be mean, but she’s a nice person. Oop, I know. My brother keeps pointing out how ridiculous that is to say, too. I should say she’s nice to other people, even though she’s sometimes mean to me. Comment for she can be mean, but she’s a nice person. Great. So, are we just making up new meanings for words? Because that sentence doesn’t make any [ __ ] sense. Oop. Yeah, you’re right.
I meant more in the sense that she is a nice person outside of our relationship and I had thought in our relationship outside of disagreements. She gets along with everyone at her jobs enough to build friendships and go out with them on weekends. She is gaming friends and just seems overall very personable.
Comment five, just curious which parts of her behavior seem nice to you. She has been downright awful to you. She manipulates you, tries to control you, gaslights you, takes zero responsibility for her role in the relationship. Thank your lucky stars aren’t marrying her. Your brother is correct. Give her a choice.
She agrees to take you off the lease or you will make a case against her. Oop. Before all this, she got along really well with my family. She is thoughtful with her co-workers with shifts and stuff like that and always made a point to include my mother in things. My mom really loved her up until these past few months. Honestly, even outings and dates, we were really good.
It’s almost like we got home and she was always irritated. I’m going to try again to discuss the apartment with her, but I feel like with the tenant laws here, I’m kind of stuck if she doesn’t agree and I don’t decide to try to get off because of abuse. Update one, things have kind of snowballed out of control.
A day or so after I made the first post, my brother sat me down and kind of discussed a game plan with me. The first thing he told me to do was take the money I had put in a joint account meant for our wedding out since she had access to that and she was pretty pissed at me. Not sure why since she ended things and I only recently found out it was because she cheated.
I had been saving for over a year sometimes putting in as much as 600 a month and I also put my Christmas bonus in there. I don’t know what I expected to happen after I did that but things escalated pretty quickly after that. I had screenshots of how out of control the text got but it won’t let me add them to this post. The long and short of it was she was upset that I all but emptied the account, only leaving what she had contributed.
She had only put a couple thousand in because toward the beginning of planning, she decided I should be the one to pay for the bulk of the wedding. Looking back now, I can’t believe I agreed. Her argument was that I should have kept all my money in the account to pay for my portion of the rent and that I had stolen from her.
She kept calling me a thief, even when I showed her a screenshot of my banking transfers into the account and that I only transferred out that exact amount. She only got more upset because I refused to talk to her in person or answer the phone so I could have everything we discussed in texts. She had her dad call me basically telling me to do the right thing, which just meant to give her all the money I’d saved since it was for her anyways.
When I refused, she started calling my mother almost non-stop. She would start calling her around 9:00 p.m. and sometimes wouldn’t stop until 1:00 a.m. At first, I told my mom to block her number, but my brother said to just put it on silent so we had a record of how often she was calling.
One night she called my mom 36 times. My mother has been having some health issues since my father passed in June. So my sister has been living with her and the calls obviously made my sister upset and it’s a whole thing now. My sister ended up filing a harassment report with the police and we’re hoping that will help me get off the lease if we can prove she’s being abusive.
She also called both my ex and her father and told them if they had anything to say, it would go through her. I filled out an N15 form, but the officer I spoke to about the harassment didn’t seem convinced it would be approved because he wouldn’t classify this as domestic abuse. I guess I’ll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.
All this definitely showed me who she is. I didn’t think I could fall out of love with someone so quickly. Thanks for all the replies to my initial post. Update two. I tried to post this a week or so ago and it didn’t go through because how close the posts were, but I knew there were a few people who wanted updates.
Fingers crossed this time it works. First and foremost, thanks to everyone who messaged me offering advice and resources. It made a huge difference. I have a lot to update on, but I’ll try to keep it short. Once I was out, the pattern of abuse became more evident. The emotional roller coaster she always had me on was one I didn’t really realize I got on until I finally got off.
I went into the apartment with my sister, F-36, while my ex, F-28, was at work to clear out all my stuff. I was initially going to go with my brother M34. But in the calls to my mother between 5 to 20 a night on weekends, she sometimes physically threatened people and my sister wanted to be there in case she did get physical since my brother and I wouldn’t be able to do much if she did.
Obviously, neither of us would hit her or anything. So, this made the most sense. The police also didn’t seem to want to accompany us. We cleared the bulk of my stuff out, but unfortunately, she did come home early because, well, that’s been my luck lately. She yelled a bunch, which we ignored. But unfortunately, my sister spoke to her before we left because a bunch of my stuff was missing.
I didn’t care about a lot of it at this point, but my sister was upset the PS5 was missing. So, she told her she didn’t know where she put it, but she needed to get it because she wasn’t leaving without it. Tensions were obviously high as my sister is currently living with my mom, taking care of her, so she’s been present for the non-stop calls on the weekends.
when my sister kept pressing her about it and ignoring everything else she was saying. My ex picked up a picture frame and threw it at me for bringing her here. At this point, everything boiled over. My sister got between us and when she slapped my sister, a fight ensued. Long story short, police arrived and my sister told them she wanted to file another report which made my ex surrender the PS5 and admit she had thrown a bunch away.
Because of all this, the landlord was made aware and I’ve been taken off the lease. A few days after her mother called me. She basically wanted me to reconsider the reports filed because she was worried my ex would have charges that would follow her around and she didn’t think it was fair after I called off the wedding and abandoned her.
I told her that she needed to have a conversation with my ex about the lies she was telling and her harassing my mother before I hung up. That’s the long and short of it. Hopefully, I’m done now and there won’t be any more updates. Thanks for listening to me and helping me through all this. I don’t know what came from that conversation, but her mother did send mine flowers, so I’m guessing at least some truth came out.
Anyway, I’m hoping to put all this behind me at this point. Now that I’m done with the apartment headache, I am going to grief counseling with my family and working on starting over. Next story. In-laws never acknowledged my mom’s cancer diagnosis. When I flew to care for her during chemo, they never called once.
Then my husband called me disrespectful for leaving the room when they came over to talk about buying cows instead of asking about my sick mom. I, 25F, have been married to 24M, for four years. The first two years of our marriage, we were stationed in North Carolina, but have since moved to Texas, where his family lives.
Since moving to Texas, I’ve gotten to know my in-laws, and what I know is that they are all disrespectful. All of them almost as if it’s hereditary. Here are a few examples. I’m Korean, and my husband’s family is Mexican. My sister-in-law tried bulgo ghee, which is beef marinated in a sweet sauce and gagged in front of me when she took a bite of it, spitting it out and complaining that she didn’t expect it to taste like that.
Every time we go out to eat, my in-laws will run the waiters back and forth asking for special requests and refills. But if they don’t like the food or they forget one item that they ordered, they will literally tip the waiter change from out of their pocket. I’m talking $5 on a $120 bill, even if their service was amazing.
If we go into a store or go to the gym and it’s about to close, they will be the last people to leave. And not last, as in they close at 9:00 p.m. and they’re leaving at 9:00 p.m. Last as in they close at 9:00 p.m. and we’re barely walking out the door at 9:15. Every time an instance like this happens, my husband and I get into it. They usually end with my husband making excuses like that’s the just the way my family is or I don’t care what other people think and neither should you.
My last straw was when my mother was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer. I flew back to my home in Korea to take care of her for a while when she was getting her chemo. I stayed for 2 weeks before needing to go back to my home in Texas for work obligations. And can you guess who never once reached out to me the whole time I was there? Yep, my in-laws.
Not once did I receive any call or text message. Not even when I came back did the topic of my mom come up. My husband told me he told them about my mom. So, I don’t understand why no one could have just checked up on me or at least called my mom. The next time we saw my in-laws was the next day I came back from Korea. They were over for dinner.
I waited to see what they were going to talk about. And as they continued discussing what cows they wanted to buy, I left to the room and didn’t come out for the rest of the night. When they left, my husband angrily confronted me, telling me how disrespectful I was. I honestly didn’t even have it in me anymore to fight. I just packed my bags and booked the next flight to Korea.
All my husbands and in-laws messages and phone calls are being ignored because I just cannot stand their disrespectful behavior. And to hear my husband calling me disrespectful was enough. Maybe I’m overreacting, but honestly, this behavior is exhausting. I deal with it every time we go out and I’m done. I don’t want to be surrounded by people like this, and I’d rather focus my attention on my mom.
Am I the [ __ ] Additional information from OP. Thank you for all your responses, those that agree with me and those that don’t because it allows me to see other sides of the situation besides my own. I just wanted to clarify a few things real quickly. One, I did not divorce my husband. I am staying in Korea for the time being, too.
For those of you asking, my husband did not call me while I was in Korea the first time. Any conversations we had was initiated by me. He did not reach out to me, nor did my in-laws. Update. to clear things up a little. This situation happened over a month ago and I have been in Korea ever since.
My husband and I did not get divorced, but we had talked things out and decided I needed space to take care of my mom first and whatever problems that we had can be discussed at a better time. As for my in-laws, I haven’t spoken to them since. I really wanted to work things out after reading a few of the comments saying my in-laws behavior is not the fault of my husband.
I thought that maybe I was being too judgy over behavior that I’m not used to. that maybe they’re not all bad, but they just have a few faults. As for my mom, she hasn’t been doing so well. She’s been losing a lot weight because she says that everything she eats tastes like metal and she’s been in constant pain.
It’s gotten so bad that she can’t even get out of bed by herself. On top of that, I’m having a tough time watching my mom struggling and feeling like I don’t have anyone on my side during this time, especially since my husband’s family still hasn’t reached out to me. Last week, my husband reached out to me, telling me that his mom had tonsilitis and was going in for surgery.
Reluctantly, I reached out to her and told her that I would be praying and wishing her a safe surgery. I even had the hospital’s gift shop send flowers up to her room because I couldn’t be there. I figured that maybe they just weren’t the type of people to reach out and that I should put whatever happened in the past.
My husband expressed how grateful she was and how happy she was to have received the flowers, hoping that I was doing okay in Korea. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. Fast forward to a week later. My mother’s condition had gotten so bad that she lost her battle with cancer and passed away. I told my husband what happened and he was in just as much shock as I was.
He said that he was sorry, telling me how much of a good mother she was and how happy she must have been to have me by her side during her last few days. We were preparing to get the funeral done in the next few days. So, I asked my husband what day he could be here. He was hesitant on the phone saying that he felt bad for my mother at all, but he also had his mother to worry about how he needed to be there for her just like I was there for mine.
I was in complete shock and just hung up the phone. He is missing my mother’s funeral to take care of his mother who had tonsillitis surgery a week ago. Unbelievable any chances I ever thought of giving him was completely out the window. It was insane to believe that he felt like his mom recovering from a very minor surgery was more important than the death of my mom and his mother-in-law.
I’m not saying that tonslectomy isn’t important, but I’m sure she’ll recover just fine as it’s a very common surgery and the downtime is 1 to two weeks and it’s already been a week. As of now, I have hired a lawyer to discuss divorce and I’m going to therapy. I plan on going back to the US to end things with my husband, quit my job, and take my stuff back with me after my mom’s funeral.
As for his family, I haven’t heard from them. Shocking, right? Whatever. I’m just glad I get to be done with him and his family and that I’ll be able to focus on myself and my mental health.
