My family calls me a swindler for not helping my sister escape her abusive ex, but I don’t want to help someone who likes to steal and return to the abuser. My 23-year-old sister has been in an on-again, off-again relationship with her boyfriend, Tristan, for the past six years. I won’t say Tristan is a bad boyfriend.

 I’ll let his own actions speak for themselves. He’s hit her several times, controls her money, and has personally threatened me when I’ve tried to intervene before. I think calling him a bad person would be redundant. My sister and I grew up with our grandparents after our parents died when I was 12 and she was 10, which makes me her older brother.

 Our grandparents are now in their 80s and living in Florida, enjoying their later years, which they deserve. They send money when they can, but they live on fixed incomes and can no longer handle my sister’s constant meltdowns, which they shouldn’t have to handle either. Three years ago, when my sister was 20, she showed up at my apartment covered in bruises.

 Tristan had hit her so hard she needed stitches above her left eye. I took her to the hospital, helped her file a police report, and let her stay with me for two months while she recovered. During those two months, I paid for everything: food, clothing, her phone bill, even a security deposit for a new apartment across town.

 It all cost me over $1,000, which I didn’t really have. I was working two jobs at the time. I gave up my room, slept on the couch, and basically put my life on hold to help her rebuild hers. I thought I was helping her escape an abuser. At first, my sister seemed grateful. She got a job and started saving money.

She even dated some guys who seemed decent. I thought I was finally free from Tristan’s influence. Then she met my friend. My friend of 24 years has been my best friend since high school. He’s one of those genuinely good people who cares about everyone, which may be his greatest weakness.

 He moved in with me about four years ago, when we both needed to split the rent, and we’ve been great roommates ever since. My friend fell hard for my sister. I saw it coming and warned him to be careful, but he dismissed my concerns. He said my sister had been through enough and deserved someone who would treat her well.

 They started dating a few months after she moved out of our place. For the first year, everything seemed perfect. My friend brought her flowers, took her on trips on weekends, and talked about their future together. He even started looking at engagement rings, which in my opinion was a bad idea, a terrible idea.

 It’s not that I didn’t want to see them happy, but knowing their history and what happened next, I think they’ll agree with me. My sister seemed happy. She also had stable work hours, had stopped drinking excessively, and seemed to be in a healthy relationship for the first time in years.

 But I knew my sister better than my friend did. Last summer, my sister started acting strange. She would cancel plans with my friend at the last minute. She would claim to be working extra shifts when she couldn’t be, and I caught her lying about small things. My friend noticed too, but he kept making excuses for her behavior.

The truth came out in the worst possible way. My friend came home early from work one day in August to surprise my sister with tickets to a concert for a band she liked. He found her at our apartment with Tristan. They weren’t just talking. Tristan was there with a suitcase, and my sister already had a bag packed.

 My friend stood in the doorway holding those tickets while my sister told him she was moving back in with Tristan. She said she’d never truly loved him and had only dated him to make Tristan jealous. She told my friend that Tristan was the love of her life and that she couldn’t stop thinking about him. The worst part was what she said about my friend’s appearance.

 He’s always been insecure about a birthmark on his neck. My sister used those insecurities against him, as he’d told Tristan, and he used it as an insult to my friend. My friend didn’t say a word; he just turned around and left her house. Tristan laughed and commented that my friend was pathetic.

 Eventually, my sister left her apartment and returned to Tristan’s. My friend took a week off work and barely left his room. When he finally did, he’d lost a lot of weight. He started wearing hoodies to cover his neck and made an appointment to discuss procedures to fix that defect.

 I told my sister exactly what I thought of her behavior. I told her that if she wanted to get back with Tristan, that was her choice, but that I was done helping her when things went wrong again. I told her she had destroyed the best relationship she’d ever had with the best person she’d ever met.

 My sister accused me of caring more about my friend than my own sister. She said my friend would get over it and find someone else, but that Tristan was the love of her life. I told her that when Tristan hit her again—not if, but when—not to bother calling me. That conversation was 8 months ago and it’s the only one we’ve had so far.

 Two weeks ago, my sister showed up at my work. She had a black eye, a split lip, and finger-shaped bruises on her arms. She was crying and begging me to let her stay with us again. She said Tristan had been drinking more lately and that the violence was getting worse. I told her no. She followed me to my car in the parking lot, grabbing my arm and saying I had to do this for her. I told her no.

 Several of my coworkers were watching, and my supervisor came out to see what was happening. I took his hand off my arm and told him to call the police or go to a women’s shelter, but that he wouldn’t stay with my friend and me. I told him he’d made his decision when he humiliated my friend and that now he had to live with the consequences.

 My sister started screaming that I was abandoning her like everyone else. She said our parents would be ashamed of me if they were still alive. I got in the car and drove to my apartment. Since then, my phone hasn’t stopped ringing. My grandparents have called crying, saying they’re too old and sick to help my sister, but begging me to reconsider.

 My aunt in California offered to buy her a plane ticket if I let her stay a few days until I could get there. Even some coworkers have given me strange looks, as if they thought I was a monster for rejecting my own sister. But here’s what they don’t understand. My friend still lives here.

 It would be weird like the [ __ ] to begin with. He’s finally starting to look like himself again after months of barely speaking. He’s been seeing someone new the past few weeks and I’ve seen him smile more this month than in the months since my sister dumped him. I refuse to bring my sister back to this apartment where she can see my friend every day and be reminded of how she treated him.

 I refuse to put my friend through that again just because my sister made another bad decision. Besides, I already helped her because I thought that was the turning point for her. I refuse to go through the same thing again only for her to go back to him. I’m not a resort for battered women who need a break from their stressful life of being battered only to then go back to the batterer.

 If there’s nothing I can do to help her because she keeps choosing her abuser, then there’s nothing I should do. But my grandparents keep saying family comes first. The not-so-small detail is that my sister didn’t think about family when she was destroying my friend. She didn’t think about family when she chose Tristan over a stable, loving relationship.

 I know she’s in danger. I know Tristan will hurt her again, but I also know that if I rescue her now, she’ll come back to him in a few months like she did before, maybe sooner, so it will all be for nothing, and I’ll have just wasted my time, peace, and money on something that will happen again. My friend doesn’t know my sister contacted me, he doesn’t know about my family’s calls.

I haven’t told him because I don’t want him to feel responsible for my decision. So, tell me, Reddit, am I really the heartless brother my family thinks I am, or am I right about my sister? Update one. I thought people were going to attack me for abandoning a woman in danger, but I guess the world doesn’t think that differently than my head does, and my sister can’t be helped if she doesn’t truly want that help.

 That’s a phrase I read in the comments, and it fits her perfectly. The day after I posted, my grandmother called me sobbing. She said my sister had been sleeping in her car for almost a week and was begging her to stay with them in Florida. My grandmother wanted to help, but my grandfather has early-stage dementia and gets confused when there are changes in his routine.

 They live in a senior living community where overnight guests need approval and the process takes weeks. My grandmother asked me to pay for a motel for my sister until they could figure something out. She offered to reimburse me, but I know they’re already struggling financially. I told her I couldn’t help with money, and she hung up on me.

 That same night, my friend’s new girlfriend, Erika, came over for dinner. Erika, though it would be rude to say so, is nicer than my sister. She studies and volunteers at the same animal shelter where my friend helps. They met there about a month ago, and my friend has been happier than I’ve seen him since before my sister.

While we were eating, there was a knock at the door. My friend went to open it, and I heard him say my sister’s name. The dinner lasted peacefully until then. My sister pushed her way into our apartment before I could stop her. She looked horrible. Her hair was greasy, she was wearing the same clothes I’d seen her in before, and she smelled like she hadn’t showered in days.

 He started talking quickly, explaining that he’d been sleeping in his car and had nowhere else to go. He said Tristan had changed the locks on his apartment and threatened to call the police if he returned. Erika seemed confused and asked who she was. My friend explained that she was my sister, but didn’t mention their history together.

 My sister noticed Erika sitting at our table and asked my friend if she was his new girlfriend. When he said yes, my sister laughed and said Erika was exactly the kind of plain, boring girl she hoped he’d end up with. My friend’s face reddened, but he didn’t respond to the comment.

 She asked me if she could stay that night on our couch, checking with Erika to see if she would advocate for her. I said, “No, almost immediately.” My sister turned to my friend and asked him directly. She said she knew he was a good person, who wouldn’t let someone sleep in his car, especially his ex-girlfriend, who was in real danger.

 That was the end of not telling anyone I was his ex. My friend stood there for a long time, staring at my sister and me. Finally, he told him he could stay the night, but he’d have to leave in the morning. I couldn’t believe he was doing this after everything my sister had done to him. I told my friend I needed to talk to him privately in his room.

 It wasn’t a good idea to leave my sister and Erika alone. I didn’t know what I could get out of it, but I wasn’t going to let my sister stay either. Once we were alone, I reminded him of what my sister had said to him when she left. I asked him why he was willing to help someone who had humiliated him so publicly. My friend said he wasn’t doing it for my sister; he was doing it because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if something happened to her.

 He said one night wouldn’t kill us and might give my sister time to think about her next move. I told my friend that’s how my sister operates. She’d stay one night, then find excuses to stay longer until she was living with us again. I reminded him that I had just insulted his new girlfriend to his face.

 My friend said he understood my concerns, but that his mind was made up. When we returned to the living room, Erika was gone. My friend texted her, but she didn’t respond. My friend went after Erika to try to talk to her. By then, my sister was trying to take over our couch.

 She told me she needed a few more days to contact some friends who might be able to help her. She hadn’t even spent a night here and she was already lying. I told her she had to leave before my friend came home or I’d call the police myself. My sister started crying and said she was her [ __ ] sister, not some random one like my friend’s girlfriend.

 She asked why I cared more about my friend’s feelings than her safety. I told her the truth, that I didn’t care about my friend’s feelings anymore, but I didn’t want to have her here for months again. You can’t blame me. My friend is ruining his relationship with a woman who isn’t worth it. My sister argued, but as soon as I got her through the door, I slowly closed it.

 When my friend arrived later, he found my sister’s car still parked outside. She had been sitting in it waiting for him. My friend went outside to talk to her, and they chatted for about 20 minutes. When he returned, he told me my sister had asked to stay just one night because she had a job interview. The next day.

 I told my friend that my sister was lying and that there wasn’t an interview. I said I was playing on his sympathy because I knew he was too kind to turn her down, that I was manipulating him. My friend said maybe I was right, but he couldn’t take the risk. I told him if he was really worried, he could pay for the motel room for her, but that she wouldn’t be sleeping here.

 And that’s what he did, which I still can’t believe. The next night, my friend told me Erik had broken up with him. He said he didn’t want to get involved in any drama and that he was uncomfortable with what he was doing for his ex-girlfriend, aside from the first lie. Of course. My friend didn’t blame Erika for her decision, but he seemed disappointed. This was exactly what he was afraid would happen.

 That night, my sister told my friend she’d gotten the job and would start working the following week, but she needed money for the motel until she received her first check so she could put down a deposit on a new place. My friend looked at me as if asking for permission. I told him my sister was his problem now, not mine. It’s been 50 days since then.

 My sister is still living off my friend’s money. She hasn’t started any jobs, so we know the real deal by that check. When I asked my friend how my sister’s job was going, he said they had [ __ ] her start date. The worst part is, he’s been asking my friend questions about Erika.

 He wanted to know how they met, how long they’d been dating, and if he was really in love with her. My sister’s nerve is astonishing, and the worst part is that my friend can’t see it. Yesterday, he told her that Erika probably broke up with him because she was looking for an excuse anyway, not because of her presence.

 Of course, because interrupting a dinner party by yelling and saying everything she said helped a lot. My friend hasn’t been the same since Erika broke up with him. He’s been quiet at dinner and spends most of his time in his room. When I asked him if he was okay, he said yes, but that he missed Erika more than he expected.

 I think my sister is enjoying watching my friend struggle with the breakup. I think she likes knowing he’s back in control of his life. My family is happy that my sister has a safe place to stay, but they don’t understand what this is costing my friend. Logically, I don’t care as long as he keeps paying his share of the rent, but I think it’s the worst idea he could have ever had.

 Putting his friend downstairs in a fire ant nest was better than this. He doesn’t see how my sister is manipulating him, but I’m tired of helping people who do whatever they want. I’m starting to think I need to move out. I can’t watch my friend get dragged back into my sister’s chaos, and I can’t live with someone who treats him this way.

 The worst part is that I know this is just the beginning. My sister won’t willingly give up her golden goose. My friend is too kind, not to mention an idiot, to be left without money to help a damsel in distress. Update two. After my last update, my sister continued to stay at a motel paid for by my friend for another three weeks.

She never started the job she claimed to have gotten, and every few days she had a new excuse for not lifting a finger. My friend tried to contact Erika several times, but she didn’t answer calls or texts. One afternoon, he saw her at the supermarket and tried to explain the situation with my sister, but Erika told him she wasn’t interested in coming back.

He said he was just a red flag with legs and didn’t want to go through that now. My friend came home that night and went straight to his room without saying a word. Two weeks ago, I came home from work to find my sister and my friend watching a movie on our couch.

 I asked my friend if I could talk to him privately. When we went to his room, I asked him what was going on between him and my sister and what the hell she was doing there. My friend said they were just being friendly, since they were both going through something, and he thought it was a good idea to have a movie night.

 He said that my sister had apologized for how their relationship ended, and while he wasn’t ready to fully forgive her, he didn’t see the point in being hostile. I told my friend that my sister was manipulating him again. I reminded him that it was because of her that he lost his girlfriend and that his ex-girlfriend was absolutely right to do so. He said she seemed sincerely sorry for her past behavior and was making an effort to be better.

 That’s when I realized my friend was already falling under my sister’s influence again. Last Monday, I received a text from Tristan. He said he had something important to tell me about my sister and asked if we could meet up. I almost didn’t go because even though I don’t like my friend at the moment, I dislike this guy even more. Tristan told me my sister hadn’t been sleeping in her car like she claimed.

 The first week after their breakup, she’d been staying with a guy named Larry, whom she’d met online. Larry kicked her out when he discovered she’d been going through his wallet and taking money. Tristan said my sister had been stealing from him for months, not just cash, but also items she could sell online.

He discovered she was listing her electronics and tools on trading apps, sometimes selling things while he was at work. The worst part was what he told me about my sister’s recent behavior. He said she had been contacting him regularly since staying with my friend and me, sending him photos of our apartment and updates on my friend’s daily routine.

Tristan said my sister had been telling him my friend was still in love with her and was considering giving her another chance, all to make Tristan jealous so he’d get back with her. Tristan showed me the text messages my sister had sent him. One said my friend had bought her expensive shampoo and was visiting her at the motel every few days to, well, you know.

 In another, he said he was enjoying watching my friend struggle with their breakup because it showed he’d never really gotten over them. I felt sick reading those messages. Tristan said he was telling me this because he was tired of my sister’s games. When I got home that afternoon, my sister was cooking in our kitchen.

 I had bought ingredients with my friend’s money and was making her a dinner as a thank you. My friend came home while she was still cooking and served her a dish as if they were a couple. He had even lit candles on our table. I blew out the damn candles. I went to my room and called Tristan. I told him everything I had discovered, including the screenshots of the messages Tristan had sent me earlier.

 He just replied that maybe I was lying and that he was just jealous that my sister was around her ex. From that moment on, I said I was done with everyone. Then I walked out of there and told my sister to leave. My friend protested a bit, but I told him to shut up. I was fed up with both of them. That Friday, my sister made her move.

 She told my friend she was afraid Tristan was following her and might hurt her. My friend probably told him everything I’d said before. Look, I know Tristan isn’t a nice guy, but he had the damn texts, and I can believe my sister would do something like that. I mean, she already did. That was three days ago.

 Since then, we’ve barely spoken to my friend. Yesterday, I made a decision. I contacted an apartment complex across town and put down a deposit for a studio. I’ll move out at the end of the month, after I’ve gotten out of the lease. At this point, I’d rather pay whatever penalties there are.

 My friend deserves better than this, but I can’t save him from my sister if he doesn’t want to be saved. I can’t live in a house where my sister is slowly destroying my best friend again, and I can’t watch my friend choose her over the evidence of her manipulation. I know the second my foot leaves this apartment, my sister will be the first one inside.

 It’s tragic, but it’s no longer my problem. I haven’t told my friend about my plan to move yet. When I’m out of my contract, I will. Update three. I moved into my studio six weeks ago, and here’s my update on the situation. Sorry for staying away, but I was moving and leaving a friend and my sister behind.

 When I finally told my friend I was moving out, it was better than I expected. He didn’t try to convince me otherwise, just nodded and said he understood why I couldn’t stay. That response told me everything I needed to know about how much my sister had messed up her head. I spent my last week in the apartment packing.

 On moving day, my friend helped me load my things into the rental truck. For the first month after moving in, my friend occasionally texted me with work updates or random things, but he never mentioned my sister. I assumed that meant things were going well between them, or at least well enough that my friend didn’t want to risk my criticism.

 Then, a few weeks ago, my friend called me at 11 p.m. on a Saturday. My sister was gone. He said he’d gotten home from work at the animal shelter and found the apartment empty. My sister had taken his TV, his laptop, his video game console, and about $600 in cash he had in a drawer for rent.

 He’d also maxed out a credit card. Apparently, my sister had been watching him enter his PIN and memorized it. She’d been using the card for weeks to buy things online and have them delivered when my friend was at work. My friend found a note on the counter. My sister wrote that she was sorry, but that Tristan had contacted her and convinced her to give their relationship another try.

 He said Tristan had promised to really change this time and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be with the person he truly loved. The note also said he hoped my friend understood and that he would pay him back the money he took as soon as he settled down with Tristan. He said I’d been foolish to trust my sister again and that he should have listened to me from the start. I didn’t tell him, I told you.

 I simply replied, “This is why you called me,” and then hung up. But the story gets worse. Two days after my sister emptied my friend’s apartment, Tristan called me again. He said my sister had never contacted him about coming back. In fact, Tristan had started dating someone new and had been avoiding my sister’s calls for weeks.

 Tristan said my sister called him regularly, leaving messages about wanting to get back with him, but Tristan said he was done with my sister’s drama and had blocked her number after she started threatening to tell his new girlfriend lies about his past. So my sister’s note about getting back with Tristan was just another lie.

 The lies this guy was referring to also included hitting her. My friend sent me a few texts. He said he felt like an idiot for believing my sister’s apologies and thinking she’d really changed. That seeing my sister beaten and desperate made him forget how cruel he could be. He also convinced himself that his traumatic experiences with Tristan had perhaps taught him to value good relationships in his life.

 He admitted he felt lonely after Erika broke up with him and that my sister’s attention made him feel loved again, even though he knew it was unhealthy. The only good thing about all those messages was that he’d finally opened his eyes. He’d reported the robbery to the police. They took a report, but weren’t optimistic about getting the money or the things back.

 My friend had to borrow money from his parents to cover the rent and replace the stolen property. His credit card company is investigating the fraudulent charges, but that process could take months. Last week, my grandmother called me to tell me that my sister had contacted her asking for money for a deposit on a new apartment.

 My grandmother wanted to know if my friend and I had kicked her out and left her homeless. I brought my grandmother up to date with everything that had happened recently. She said she would tell my sister that she couldn’t send any more money and that she needed to get her life together without relying on relatives who were also struggling.

 I don’t know where my sister is now or what she’s doing to survive. Part of me wonders if she found another kind person to take advantage of or if she’s actually had to face consequences for her decisions. My friend, whom I’m calling that because I don’t want to give him a name, is starting to do something late, but at least he’s doing something.

 She’s been working overtime to pay her parents and start saving again. Not enough to repair our relationship, but at least she’s doing something. In the end, my sister ended up destroying several relationships: hers with our grandparents, with me, and even between my friend and me.

 Because let’s be honest, it’s hard to trust my friend again if he lets himself be manipulated so easily. The jerk let her back into his life and ended up discovering the consequences. Part of me is glad she stole from him because I needed that to end the relationship once and for all, but I’m also grateful that he reported her.

 I haven’t blocked him or anything because he keeps me up to date on what’s going on. But as far as being friends again or even sharing an apartment again, that’s out of the question. I promise to bring another update if I hear anything from my sister about her whereabouts and such, but don’t wait around. It’s not like I’m going to hire a private investigator for her. Update four.

 I can tell you it’ll be an update with a lot of different things. I’ve been busy, very busy. Like when you start dating someone new and you’re busy, you know. I’ve been dating Erika, my ex-friend’s ex. And well, she’s not the only person I haven’t had an update on.

 Tristan’s last girlfriend, or another one he had—it’s not like I’m still following this guy’s life—reported him after he hit her. Not only that, but apparently that woman had a jealous ex who, upon finding out about the assault and believing he’d get her back, beat Tristan up. She didn’t go back to that ex, I don’t think. Aside from a few jabs in the ribs, she left him in good enough shape, so to speak, that he didn’t face any serious legal problems.

 Tristan wasn’t so lucky. It wasn’t his first offense against a woman, aside from my sister’s complaint. Apparently, there was another one I wasn’t aware of. He was sentenced to 12 months in prison, and this woman also received financial compensation. That’s all I know, because I don’t know her. The little I could find out—and believe me, I tried—was through third parties.

But I can confirm Tristan’s conviction—his picture appeared in the newspaper and everything. There were people who thought I was on his side or something, but nothing could be further from the truth. It’s just that it wasn’t me who should have sent him to jail, but my sister, with the complaints she avoided filing.

 I still can’t believe he did one, at least perhaps to get revenge on him at the time or to make us feel sorry for him. Now my friend, although we haven’t become friends again, had to leave the apartment we were in. It was too expensive for him to afford on his own. Last I heard, he wasn’t dating anyone and had moved to another part of the city.

 But we stopped talking, and that’s about it. Our group of friends isn’t in touch with him much either. They think he was an idiot for falling for my sister again. My opinion, I’d rather not say. I like my account, even if it’s temporary. I’ve grown attached to this name and would hate to lose it. The way I found out some things about my sister was because she asked me for money for lawyers.

 I asked for his honest version, or there wouldn’t be any money. There never was, but I wanted to hear his version because I knew how much they were going to question me about this. He said he stole almost $2,500 worth of merchandise, plus the credit card and cash. The problem is that the amount was considered a felony, not just petty theft, so he needed money for the lawyer.

 He had a public defender, but I’d already told him he could get anywhere from six months to three years if he lost. He wanted me to pay for one. When he finished counting, he asked, “So you’ll help me, bro?” The answer was the dial tone. A friend of my sister recently told me she got 18 months and had to pay my friend back.

“Guess who’s going to bring him a cake with a file in it? Seriously, because I have no idea.”